Marriage from the Garden to the Cross

“Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.”

Have you ever seen a kid taking aim at a wasp’s nest with a squirt gun? Then you have seen a pastor try to tackle a passage about wives submitting to their husbands. I joke, but this is the uncomfortable part of addressing the whole counsel of God’s word as we march through a book of the Bible. Many a pastor would see this sermon coming and strategically plan a vacation so he could hand off the wives submit to your husbands sermon to an associate pastor. I’ll be honest, I might have done that if I had the option.

We live in a culture in which this thinking is not popular. In fact, it almost gets branded as hate speech. So we’re going to navigate this carefully and I’m just glad that I’m not writing this material out of my own head. As always, it is my goal to be the mailman. When the mailman delivers a hefty bill, you don't get mad at the mailman, because he didn't create the mail and he didn't even edit the mail. He just delivers the mail. That’s what I’m here to do today. I just want to deliver the mail and I really hope it is something you desire and have been looking forward to and not a painful message.

Before I go anywhere else, I want to remind you of what John said in 1 John 5:3, “For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome.” God gives us commands because he loves us and even commands that are hard are good for us. As I wrestled with my emotions, this week, I came to realize that I was experiencing this apprehension because these commands have been massively distorted and have been used by some to try to put God’s approval on all manner of sin including abuse. I hope it will be clear by the end of this that those are distortions of God’s plan and that His true plan is for your good and his glory.

Let’s pray and then we’ll get started: “Lord, I pray that you would keep me true to your word. Help me be a faithful mailman and guard my lips that I would not say anything on this controversial issue that isn’t purely guided by your word. My desire is to show that your commands are given out of love and are not given to put a heavy burden around anyone’s neck. Help us to see that you’re our ultimate authority which we embrace in love. Amen.”

New Character Lives in Christ-Centered Marriage

For the past couple of weeks we’ve been here in Ephesians 3 discussing how to live out this new life that we have in Christ. We recognized the new life as a reorienting of our minds and hearts towards the kingdom of God, we killed our old man, the flesh, who was dealt the death blow at the cross, and last week we discussed how this new creation leads to a new identity, new community, and new character.

This section will flow from that as we see that this new community will be made up of fallen people that don’t have a clue how to appropriately behave around one another. As Paul tells us that we should be compassionate, kind, humble, meek, and patient, those attributes need a place to live. And it should be clear from the context coming before and after that Paul is not talking to society at large. He’s talking to believers and he’s telling them why they should be different and how. So Paul will address them in a form that would have been familiar but I think will surprise them with some new information and paradigms because of the work of Jesus.

This is the beginning of a section through 4:1 that we’ll be covering for three weeks could be titled Household Code. This is something that would have been completely understandable to the Greco-Roman world in which Paul was writing. You can find these Household Codes going way back to Aristotle in the 4th century BC as well as Cato, Xenophon, Seneca, Philo, and Josephus. Some have taken that to mean that Paul is just copying what was normal from the time, however we’re going to see over these 3 weeks that what Paul shares to all six groups outlined in this section is contrary to what the prevailing winds of the day were and that it is still contrary to popular thinking.

In those days, the writer would have usually just spoken to the men, and there wouldn’t have been a word spoken to the slaves or children or wives. Men were superior in every way and slaves, children and wives were viewed as no more than property to do with as you please. Paul says, “It’s great that you break things down into these categories, but beyond the categories I pretty much disagree with everything you said.”

Instead of just carrying on what had been taught by non-Christians or even Jews before him, Paul is even going to question man as the ultimate authority and he’s going to tie this household code in with the overarching theme of Colossians which is Christ’s Superiority. I think we’re going to see Paul making the argument that Jesus is the head of the marriage, and the family, and the workplace. Not the man. We’ll get to those other two in the next two weeks, but right now, I want to go straight to the source and see how we got here. So let’s turn to Genesis 1.

A Beautiful Beginning

And while you’re turning there let me speak for just a moment to the singles in this room. I want to encourage you to resist the temptation to shut off your ears or your mind because you are not in a marriage. You may want to get married someday and I hope that this might sit in the back of your mind as you think about fulfilling these roles. Even if you take Paul’s advice and don’t get married then remember that this is written by Paul who didn’t get married. He was able to understand and speak to other Christians in the church about their situation and proper roles as reflected in the person and work of Jesus. Either you will need this to be you one day or you will need to be able to provide guidance to other believers around you.

Alright Genesis 1:26, “Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.””

So from the beginning we see that man and woman are created equally in dignity value and worth. Both are created in the image of God. And both are given the mandate to carry out. And yet they are distinct, they are different. In Genesis 2 we get to zoom in on this creation and look at the particulars of it.

Genesis 2:15-25, “The Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it. And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, “You may surely eat of every tree of the garden, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.”

There was a time before woman was created and God spoke the law to Adam and he has him name the animals.

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

This is the first thing that’s not good. It was not good because it was not complete. Man needed a helper fit for him.

Now out of the ground the Lord God had formed every beast of the field and every bird of the heavens and brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him.

Adam figures out that there is no other creature that looks like him or talks like him. No one was a helper fit for him, God needed to whip up something special for that.

So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.

God presents woman to man as a gift. This is how men should see their wives as a gift from the Lord. Now notice that God didn’t give the man buddies to hang out with. He needed a helper not a bro.

Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.”

Eve was created from Adam which should show that equality and mutuality which we have. Adam rejoices in his wife and God creates the basic family unit. Husband and wife. And it is very good. And we know that it is his plan to establish some plans for the future because he says that man shall leave his father and mother. Did Adam have a father and mother? No, so this is for future generations.

Man is to hold fast to his wife. This is marriage. Man holding fast to his wife, the two becoming one flesh, naked and not ashamed. I wanted to start here, because if we just start with wives submit to your husbands without seeing that from the beginning, God has had a good and perfect plan for men and women to exist in a marriage relationship, equal in dignity but distinct in their roles then the temptation is to see submission as some kind of a condemnation of the woman’s value. But instead, here we are in the perfection of the garden before sin entered the world and there is already this distinction.

A Fallen Relationship

So Genesis 2 is a healthy and beautiful place to be because there is no sin. However, it won’t take long for us to mess up the original plan. Genesis Chapter 3. You all know the story, the serpent targets Eve and tempts her to eat of the tree. Adam is there with her but just stands by and lets this happen. We never see that God reiterates the law to Eve directly. The assumption is that when God gave Eve to Adam as a gift, a partner, a helper, that Adam passes down God’s word to her. And it looks like he did, and he might have even added a little extra to the law because she says that the prohibition is against even touching it, whereas God only forbade eating it.

So then, when she believes the lie that God is withholding something great from her then she takes of the fruit and eats it and gives some to Adam who also eats and we see this paradise collapse.

In that moment, they have sinned against God thinking they were wiser in their own eyes than God. They have not submitted to God’s authority and their eyes are opened and they realize they are naked and they run off and hide because they are ashamed. Now listen to who God asks for when it comes time for reckoning for their sin.

Genesis 3:9, “But the Lord God called to the man and said to him, “Where are you?”” God holds each person accountable for their own sin but he seeks answers from Adam because God had placed him in charge. I can hear him saying, “Adam, man I gave you Eve to be a helper who could match with you and you were supposed to protect her and love her and you just stood by and let that serpent deceive her?”

They all play the blame game and pass the buck, Adam to Eve and Eve to the serpent and God is merciful and doesn’t end them right then and there. Instead, he curses them beginning first with the serpent and we get the first Messianic prophecy that one day the offspring of man will come and crush the serpent’s head. Then the woman, then the man. And we’re going to cover the man’s curse in two weeks when we talk about masters and slaves. But I want to focus in on part of the curse for women. We all know that pain in childbearing was part of it, but the second half says this, Genesis 3:16, “Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.”

That may sound romantic at first to our ears, but this is not a romantic notion. It’s also been translated that your desire will be against your husband. The idea here is that going forward, though you were created to be a helper to compliment him, in your sin you will long to take your husband’s place of authority and you will begin to manipulate and control him. That is part of the curse. You will be fighting against that all of your days.

“And he shall rule over you,” the idea here is that Adam and all fallen man after him will lead harshly and will exert dominance over you. In other words, God says, I created you Adam to love your wife and to lead her in humility and wisdom but now in your sin, you are going to want to lead in a harsh and selfish way, either aggressively or passively. We’ll talk about that in a minute.

This is the picture of the consequences of the fall. You’re desire shall be to usurp the authority of your husband instead of following his lead, and he shall rule over you feeling like he has to push you where you don’t want to go or pull you along through manipulation. This is the picture of every marriage on this side of Eden. Equal in value and worth, but with different roles distorted by sin so that all husbands and wives now live out their relationships under the weight of this curse.

Wives Submit

So, with that as the backdrop, we finally get to Colossians 3:18-19, only two verses so it’s okay that we did a 20 minute introduction. “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.” These commands are not Paul just falling into line with the social norms of his day, in fact he’s going to go against much of the common thinking of the day and we’ll see that in a moment. It also isn’t Paul just being a rude chauvinist pig who is seeking to demean and discredit the value and competency of women.

This is Paul thinking about the new creation and trying to re-establish this perfect pattern of Eden. Because of Christ breaking the power of sin, Paul says that because you are new kingdom citizens, marriage looks different. The goal is for it to look like it looked in the garden in Genesis 2. We’re always fighting against the fleshly tendency of sin, but there is hope that we can have Christ-centered marriages which don’t succumb to the pattern of the fall. But instead in which husbands and wives seek to follow the Lord together both with equal value and worth but with different God-honoring and Christ centered purposes.

Alright, so with that overview, let’s look at a couple of specific things here in the verses.

Wives… Husbands

Notice that this says wives submit to husbands not women submit to all men. You have one target for this. You don’t have to worry about the rest of mankind, you just have to worry about your husband and what it means to submit to him. So single ladies, be careful about trying to apply this verse to your dating relationships, you don’t have a husband to submit to.

Now in your dating relationships you should be thinking about marriage and you need to make sure that if you are in a relationship, you should be able to see yourself submitting to this guy. Do you respect him? Could you easily submit? Right now you get to choose. Once you are married, you lose the choice and you have a command. So set yourself on a trajectory for that goal, but you are commanded to submit to your husband, not your boyfriend.

Submit

The second word, submit, is a common word that means to voluntarily place yourself under an appropriate authority. There are examples of this word and this action being put into practice. Submission is not just a wife thing. Every Christian, male or female is commanded to submit to someone. This isn’t just a mean word that Paul pulls out to push women down.

In Romans 13, we are commanded to submit to the governmental authorities over us because they have been appointed by God. In Hebrews 13, we are commanded to submit to church leaders or overseers. Because they have been appointed the responsibility of keeping watch over your souls. And finally, in James 4, all Christians are commanded ultimately to submit to God himself. In no case are any of these commands rooted in a distinction in value. It’s about acknowledging and enacting God appointed roles. This is no different within marriage. It has nothing to do with inferiority and we have to resist the temptation to hear it that way. In my mind, the best way to guard against that is to keep in mind the Bible’s greatest example of submission. Jesus Christ.

Jesus submitted himself to the Father. We see this all over the New Testament. In John 5 he said I don’t do my own will, but the will of him who sent me. In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus did not want to die. He asked that if it was possible that God would take the cup away from him, and we see his submission in the statement, “nevertheless, not my will, but your will be done.” Jesus didn’t submit to the Father because he is inferior to him or because he lacked value, dignity, or competence, but because it is appropriate and that is the relationship that existed in the Trinity before time began.

Practical Submission

So what does this look like practically? First, what it is not. It is not surrendering your personality. Every wife is not going to obey this command in the same way, not only because the wives are different, but because the husbands are different as well. It doesn’t mean checking your personality at the door and trying to fit some kind of stepford wife mold that you have in your head.

Bold, exuberant, strong willed women can be submissive to God’s glory and quiet, reserved, mousey women can be manipulative to their own destruction. This is not about personality.  

This is also not about just doing whatever your husband says. This is not a blank check for male authority. In fact, we get hung up on the submission part of this command, but in Paul’s day the biggest controversy would have been the limits that Paul places on male authority. The second half of the verse, “as is fitting in the Lord” is a check on male authority.

You don’t just do whatever your husband says, you follow him up to the point that he ceases to follow Jesus. So if you’re in a situation where your husband is leading one way and you know that it is contrary to the clear teaching of Scripture then you go with God. Don’t follow your husband into sin but submit to him as is fitting in the Lord. He puts a cap on male authority and makes it clear that the husband is not the Lord of the Christian household. Christ is.

So what does submission look like? Here’s how I would encourage you to think about it. Submission is a disposition towards honoring your husband’s leadership as helping him as he seeks to lead your family towards being more kingdom-minded and Christ-centered. Notice that I said that it is a disposition or an attitude. Because of the curse, it is possible for the husband to be out front in the Christian home and for the wife to be following behind with an attitude that is nothing like submissiveness. In that case, your position might be under your husband, but your disposition is manipulative, seeking to gain control, and undermining his leadership even if you are doing what he wants to do.

So the position is not always the most important thing. The disposition is the most important. Likewise, there may be instances and certain categories of married life that it is appropriate for the husband to allow his wife to lead and for him to humbly follow her leadership in doing that particular thing or in that area. So long as he’s doing that with a spirit or disposition of leadership and not passivity and she is geared towards honoring and helping him.

It is okay for a husband to allow his wife to lead in an area that she is more gifted or competent. It would be foolish to demand that she submit to his ignorance in something. In the same way, it would not be wise, helpful, or God honoring for a wife to just take a backseat and let her husband run things off the rails because she wants to be quiet and submissive. As his helper, she needs to carefully step in and lovingly guide things back on course. That is tricky because it needs to be done with the right disposition so that she is humbly expressing concern and seeking to help and not seeking to demean or usurp authority. This will look different in different households as the husband and wife fit together with their different giftings.

If you keep Eden in mind with that disposition, that original design and good plan and remember that Jesus is your example of submission then you will do well. Philippians 2:5-7, “Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant.”

Husbands Love

Alright, let me talk to the guys now about verse 19, “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.” If you are looking at this thinking that you are getting off easy then you don’t understand love, leadership, or the Lord. This is hard. Not because our wives are hard to love but because our tendency is to shirk our responsibility or be harsh and assert our dominance. We need help. Not just from our wives but from the Holy Spirit.

Husbands… Wives

First, I want you to likewise see that the call is to love your wife, not all women in general. You don’t have to figure out all of womankind. Since Love by Paul’s definition is not primarily an emotion, the command is to get to know your wife and understand her. Listen to her, care for her, treat her well, and lead her well.

Love

Love is not the basis for marriage. In Paul’s day when many marriages were arranged or were agreed upon because it was beneficial for the families in some way. The call was husbands love your wives. And I think even more so today when people are so quick to claim that they have fallen out of love. Love is not the basis for marriage. Marriage is the basis for love. Paul says, “Love the wife you’re married to.” Again single guys, this is a valuable reason for taking time in your single life. Make it certain before you get married because there is no excuse afterwards. If you marry crazy, then you better love her because she’s your crazy.

This means that loving your wife is a matter of obedience to God for which you’re responsible. If there’s no love in your marriage, then husband, it’s your fault! “But if you knew how this woman treats me!” “Love your wife!” “But if you had to live with her every day!” “Love your wife!” “But I’ve done so much for her and she never does anything for me!” “Love your wife!” “But ...!” “Love your wife!” Paul yanks the rug out from under all our excuses. Love for my wife is a command which I am responsible to obey. If I blame my wife for the problems in my marriage, Christ puts it back on me. He says, “My church hasn’t always been the most beautiful, obedient, loving, helpful bride, but I still love her with a committed love. That’s how you must love your wife.”

Not Bitter

Second, Paul commands husbands not to be harsh with their wives. That word for harshness, is translated in other versions as embittered. So, Husbands, love your wives and don’t get bitter with them. This bitterness is deep-seated anger which comes from disappointed expectations that are not properly dealt with.

When someone you love hurts or disappoints you—and it is inevitable in the close relationship of marriage—if you don’t deal with it, you begin to build up a reservoir of unsettled anger and hurt feelings. The more that reservoir grows, the more you blame your partner for your unhappiness in the marriage. Both partners become increasingly angry with each other. They snap at each other and fight over trivial things. But the real problem is the reservoir of bitterness stemming from disappointed expectations that they’ve never dealt with.

Maybe you wanted a wife who would be a certain way and when you were dating the woman who is now your wife, you thought she was that way. But after you got married, you discovered that she really is not that way. The more you see how she really is and the more you see other women who seem to be the way you wanted her to be, the angrier you get. You’re embittered against your wife because she disappointed your expectations.

The key to overcoming bitterness is to recognize that your wife is not perfect—and neither are you! She probably has a list of disappointed expectations that you didn’t fulfill! So you have to accept and love the wife you have, not the wife you idealistically wish you had. Focus on her positive qualities and thank God for the wife He gave you.

It is healthy to talk honestly about unfulfilled expectations that you both are dealing with. If you don’t face these disappointed expectations and deal with them God’s way, then can turn into angry demands that will drive you apart. All such anger stems from selfishness, which you’ve got to recognize and confess as sin. Then you can talk through hurt feelings and misunderstandings in a climate of love, not accusation.

It’s always easier to let it go and not talk it through. But that’s like not cleaning out a dirty wound because it hurts too much. A scab forms over it, so you let it go. But then it gets infected and then it’s messy and painful to clean it out. The best thing is to clean it out right away, in spite of the pain. Then it can heal properly.

If it’s causing distance, then the best way to love my wife is by confessing my own sin and controlling my anger as I talk it through with my wife. I always need to view my wife as my own body, so that my goal is to nourish and cherish her, not to wound her (Ephesians 5:28-29). But I need to take the initiative to deal with emotional hurts.

Not Harsh

The problem is that in this fallen relationship we as men have a tendency to deal with this bitterness and anger in two ways. The first is through being overly harsh. Using our authority like a club to force her into submission. This could reveal itself in using emotional, psychological or physical tactics to seek to dominate and intimidate.

This is wicked and sinful and abominable. No wife should endure this kind of abuse especially if you feel that you are in danger. Your command to submit was limited by his leadership being like that of Jesus.

Not Passive

I don’t think most True Christian men have a problem with beating their wives into submission. Rather, they have seen that stereotype and in fear of going anywhere near that, they fall into the same sin that Adam committed in the garden and they just become passive.

Remember the garden. In your bitterness and anger, remember that it is just as unloving to your wife to shrink into the background and fail to provide the leadership that God calls you to. Perhaps it is out of spite, or because you fear confrontation and don’t want to upset the delicate balance that you have worked out in the house, but if you abdicate your leadership position and step aside to let her lead, you are doing the same thing that Adam did in the garden and you are allowing the evil one a doorway into your home.

Jesus is the Example

Just as the wives looked to Jesus as their greatest example of submission, so we look to Christ as the greatest example of loving and sacrificial leadership. In Paul’s teaching to the Ephesians on this topic, Paul tells the husbands to love their wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her. So a husband’s call to lead is a call to die to himself. Our home is not our castle it is our cross. I don’t mean that home should be a place of suffering. Rather, it is a place of self-denial.

So when I walk in the house at the end of a long day, my first thought shouldn’t be that I have done my part and now it’s time for me to put my feet up and be served. Instead, my question should be who can I serve now and how? Does my wife need a break? Do the kids need help with homework? Can I make dinner or clean up the kitchen? This is the self-denial of the upper room. As Jesus began washing his disciples feet, there was no question who the Lord was at that moment. He came not to be served, but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many. Very few people will ever experience the reality of laying down their physical life for their wives, but that is what we are called to do spiritually and emotionally and with self-sacrifice every day in love.

I think the reason why it can be difficult to talk about submission and why it causes so many women to bristle up is because they have never seen or experienced loving leadership like Jesus shows us. We as men need to own that. I believe that if husbands would get the loving leadership right that most Christian wives would gladly submit and be the helpers that they are called to be.

But as believers, both of these commands are in effect now. The command for wives to submit is not predicated on your husband loving you rightly. Paul is saying that when you submit, as is fitting in the Lord, you will please God and will create an environment where he can lead and love well. And guys, even if she does not submit to your leadership, your call is to love her sacrificially and to lead her in the Lord so that the soil will be enriched for her to submit gladly.