Christian Family

Last week, we examined the roles that God gave to the wife and to the husband. As I pointed out last week, the ability of the husband and wife to fulfill their roles will be dependent upon their walk with the Lord. What Paul commands in Colossians 3:18-19 is dependent on what he has said in the previous seventeen verses. If we live as those who have been raised up with Christ, which includes putting to death the old man of the flesh and putting on the new practices and attitudes that are in keeping with walking with Christ, we can fulfill our roles in marriage and bring glory to God.

Today, we are going to look at a related subject, the relationship between children and parents (specifically fathers as the head of the household). Let me read through Colossians 3:20-21 to lay the groundwork for this message. “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.”

God has placed the husband as the head of the family which means he has the responsibility of leadership. He is commanded to love His wife in the sacrificial manner that Christ loves the church and cherish her the same way he cherishes his own body. This love includes being her provider and protector.

The wife has equal value before God as a representative of his image, but God has given her different gifts, abilities and responsibilities. Submission is an act of her will and not something coerced or forced. Her submission demonstrates her love and trust of God through her service to her husband. Her submission is first to God and then because of that she secondarily submits to her husband.

As we come to the role of the children, I will say that it is easier for children to fulfill their role if they know the Lord and are walking with Him by the Holy Spirit, but Paul does not place that expectation upon them since even the children born to Christian parents come into the world as unsaved sinners. Until the child comes to personal faith in the person and work of the Lord Jesus, they cannot live as one who has been raised up with Christ, for that has not yet happened.

The role given to the children is actually very simple. Paul says here, Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord. In Ephesians 6:1-3 he adds to a similar statement the Old Testament command and promise that goes with it. “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth.”

Purposes of Children

Children are to obey their parents. Whenever my parents used to tell me to do something, one of my favorite questions was why. The response usually came back, because I said so, and that should have been enough. But I’ve always had a desire to know how things work, so if I can see the reasoning behind something, I have an easier time obeying. With that in mind, I want to look at a handful of purposes which form the basis for the role of children.

1) Continuation of mankind. In Genesis 1:28 God told Adam and Eve to “be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth . . .”. Mankind is always just one generation away from extinction.

2) Continuation of the knowledge of God. Deuteronomy 6:4-7, a famous passage called the Shema commands Israel to pass their knowledge of God from one generation unto the next, “Hear, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord is one! And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart; and you shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.”

Of course we know that parents aren’t the only people who speak the truth into Children’s lives, and it is completely possible to come to know and love Jesus even if you don’t come from a Christian home, however, Christian parents have a particularly special mission field and their own children should be their priority in evangelism and disciple making.

3) to be a blessing. Psalm 127:3-5, “Behold, children are a gift of the Lord; The fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one’s youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; They shall not be ashamed, When they speak with their enemies in the gate.”

Children are a blessing from God. They bring so much into our lives. Certainly there are the heartaches and tough parts of raising kids, but they also bring such joy. Their love for life, wonder at the world around them, and happiness over simple pleasures. But more importantly from the eternal perspective, they teach us a lot about trusting the Lord and walking with Him. They prod us to think less of ourselves and learn to love sacrificially. They reflect us and we see both the good and bad in ourselves which prods us on to greater holiness. Their very presence causes us to be more careful how we act, what we say and even how we think. Children are a great blessing from God to us.

The Role of Children

What these purposes in mind, then what is the role of children within the family? To put it simply, they are there to learn. The parents’ responsibility is to teach them and theirs is to learn. Children are not the center of the family and neither are they somewhere on the outskirts. They are part of the family. Husband and wife became a family when they were married. A family of just two people, but a family nonetheless. When your first child came along your family simply expanded to three and with each child your family circle simply got larger. Each new life added to your family is another soul for you to guide and direct into holiness.

Paul has already commanded husbands to lead their wives in sanctification so that they might be holy and blameless. The same is true for their children. Their role is to learn from both their mother and father who God is, what He is like, and how to have a personal relationship with Him. Your role is to teach and their role is to learn and learning begins with obedience.

Obedience

Obedience is the chisel used by God to shape a child’s behavior, character and belief system. Proper obedience leads to freedom. Freedom to live out of a love for righteousness instead of fear of consequences.

Children, listen up. Your first and foremost responsibility in the family is to obey your parents. God’s commandment to all children is “obey your father and mother,” and our text adds that this is to be “in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord.” Ephesians 6:1 says, “for this is right.” Children, it is right and it is pleasing to the Lord for you to obey your parents in all things.

The word “obey” here literally means, “to hear under,” and so includes the idea of hearing and responding positively. Attitude as well as action is important in obedience. If you grumble or whine about what you asked to do, you are not obeying even if you do what you were told.

As the Proverbs 6:20 states it; “My son, observe the commandment of your father, And do not forsake the teaching of your mother.” This is not some conspiracy against you so that your life will be miserable, but rather this is God’s commandment so that there will be order in the home and your life will be filled with blessings. Learning obedience to your parents is the first step toward learning both self-control and obedience to the Lord.

Self-Control

Self-control is the foundational skill for all learning. This is both mental and physical. Without mental self-control you will not be able to focus your attention to read, study, or analyze and solve problems. Every subject you will ever study takes concentration – math, history, language, art, science and understanding your Bible. The better your mental self-control, the better you will do in all your studies regardless of your IQ.

Without physical self-control you will never gain the skills needed to perform any kind of job. It takes a lot of practice to learn to control your fingers so that you can color between the lines or nimbly use a keyboard to operate a computer. If you cannot control your hands you cannot drive a nail and you would be dangerous with a power saw. Even the ability to speak requires precise control of your vocal cords, tongue and lips. Clear communication requires the addition of a controlled mind otherwise what you say will not make sense.

Obey God

Obedience to your parents is also the place where you start to learn obedience to God Himself. It is from your parents that you learn your first lessons in consequences. Children, when you disobey your parents you have also broken God’s commandment to you and that is sin. Parents, when you let your child get away with disobedience to you, then you are training that child to sin. That means you are also in sin. Disobedience brings punishment while obedience brings blessings.

A child that will not learn to obey simple instructions from a parent who is physically present will not later obey more complex commands from a God they cannot physically see and touch. It is better to learn this lesson when the consequences are at worst a spanking or removal of privileges rather than the wrath of a holy and just God. The eternal consequence of disobedience is separation from God and eternity in Hell.

Obviously, the statement here to obey them in “all things” is not without qualification. As with all authority there is a hierarchy that starts with God and then descends from there. For children, as with all people, God is to be obeyed first and above anyone else. After God, children are to obey their parents next, and then any other sources of authority as is fitting to the particular situation – government officials, teachers, coaches, etc.

Paul is not saying here that children should obey parents to the point of lying for them or stealing for them. You cannot assist them in committing sin. Like the early disciples who said judge for yourself whether it is right for us to follow God or man. You should respectfully decline to obey in those circumstances and suffer any punishment they give you, and in doing so you are like the apostles and prophets who also suffered for righteousness sake (Matthew 5:10-12).

The tragedy is that parents do ask children to lie and steal for them sometimes without really even thinking about what they are doing. You might not send your child into the store with the intention of stealing something, but what about if you tell children your children to lie about their age so that they can get a discount? That is stealing.  Children you are to obey your parents, but you obey them in the Lord. You have to obey God first, and then your parents. This is what God declares is right and just before Him.

Honoring

One final thought to the kids about honoring your parents. The command to obey your parents arises out of the commandment in Exodus 20:12 to honor your father and mother. Paul expresses that in Ephesians 6:3-4 and adds that honoring your father and mother brings the promise that it may be well with you and that you may live long on the earth. There are blessings in obeying your parents and the Lord.

What then does it mean to honor your parents? Primarily it means “to place value upon” them. It is demonstrated in respect and consideration. This is something that all of us are to do regardless of age. Young children honor their parents through their obedience to them. Older children honor through submission which is willingly following the instruction and advice of their parents.

When you become an adult and live independently of your parents you are no longer under their authority. The obedience and submission are no longer required because the authority structure has changed. Men, you are to leave your father and mother and cleave to your wife (Ephesians 5:31). Ladies, your husband is now your head and not your father (Ephesians 5:23). But even so, as adults we are still to give honor to our parents. This is done by showing them respect. If the parents have done their job properly and the children are walking with the Lord, this arises out of the love of devotion. It will be joyful to show respect and appreciation, ask advice, and care for them as needed.

But some parents have been bad. Their children suffered at their hands. The past is full of pain, trust has been broken and the current relationship is strained at best. But regardless of the past, you are still responsible before God to honor them. At minimum this means not speaking evil of them, slandering them, letting them go hungry or ignoring them in time of need, for at worst they are still your neighbor which we have been commanded to love as ourselves (Mark 12:31). What will be missing will be the joy. Honoring them will a difficult duty instead of a joyful devotion. Even so, you can still honor them out of your love for Jesus Christ and desire to be obedient to Him.

Prohibitions on Parents

Moving onto the second part of our discussion for today, Colossians 3:21 says, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, that they may not lose heart.” This command is simply a specific instruction to parents (Fathers in particular) that assumes they will already be fulfilling the commands given in the 20 previous verses. Ephesians 6:4 makes a similar statement, “fathers, do not provoke your children to anger.”

But why these specific prohibitions? The answer lies in the abuse that can easily arise from being in the superior position. The children have just been commanded to obey their parents, and if the parent is not careful they can easily become authoritarian without the proper thought in what is being taught to the child and the difficulties the commands place on the child. All of us are too prone to selfishness to not need this warning.

The idea of being provoked is to stir up or stimulate. This is a response to something that is happening. Such a stirring up could be good or bad depending on what is being stirred up, but in this case it is bad. The father is provoking the child to a response of being discouraged or disheartened.

This paints an interesting picture because when I picture the word provoked, I see it leading to an emotion or an action. You are stirred up to do something, but in this case it does the opposite. The child is provoked to give up. Why is this?

Think of it like learning to play the guitar. At first, the fingers which are holding down the strings get raw and may even bleed, but if you keep practicing and playing then eventually the skin builds up a layer of callous and it no longer hurts. So it also is with children. Negative stimulation will at first cause anger or other kinds of pain, but eventually it discourages and disheartens creating indifference or even despondency.

There are many things parents can do to provoke their children to an angry response which when continued could eventually lead to discouragement and giving up. Let me suggest a few things we need to be careful about, but let me be clear that we are not to parent based on the response of our children.

There are some who seek to parent openly with very few boundaries and this this leads to spoiled children who do not respect any kind of authority figure because they are used to being the center of the universe. Carrying this attitude into a relationship with God will lead the child to see God as their servant who must give them all good things and when any boundaries are placed or desires are withheld they see it as an attack on their person because they are really worshipping self, not God.

Then other parents treat children as inconveniences that shouldn’t get in the way and seek to keep the children confined in their little cage. This leads to children who are timid and afraid to be children and express themselves. They have been pushed so far to the boundaries of the family that they are afraid if they step out of line they might just be cast out all together. Carrying this type of attitude towards your parents will infect your relationship with God and lead to legalism.

One newer way to blend these two extremes that is also detrimental is through controlling every aspect of a child’s life through helicopter or vicarious parenting. These parents try to fight all their children’s battles for them and protect their children from any kind of discomfort. This can lead to children who have their identities stolen. Because Mom and Dad have taken complete ownership of their child’s life and are often using their lives as an opportunity to relive their own childhood. These kids can end up resentful in their relationship to God because he allows trials to come along to strengthen us and he doesn’t give us precise directions about what to do. He doesn’t force us into a mold but rather wants us to be unique and incredible according to his design.

So we are looking for a balance of freedom, identity, and boundaries. In the end as parents, so much of what we do is not going to make our kids happy in the moment. Kids will get angry when they do not get their way. But we don’t stop what we’re doing just because they get angry. Instead, it means giving careful consideration to why they are angry and then proceeding with godly wisdom to parent according to the principles of God’s word.

Here are a few obvious ways to provoke children that parents should avoid:

1) Abuse

Physical and verbal. Generally, those who abuse, whether physically or verbally, are those who cannot control their own anger, and such anger only breeds more anger. This kind of anger is never godly and it cannot produce godly results. James 1:20 tells us that “the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.” Parents should never take out their anger on their children. Even if you have suffered at the hands of someone else, you need to remember that revenge belongs to God, not you.

Such abuse only produces anger in the child as they respond by lashing out at you or others, or they may internalize it out of fear you. If it goes on long enough, the child can become despondent and severely depressed, or that anger may burn internally as resentment waiting for the time when it can be expressed.

2) Inconsistency

If the rules of the home change according to your whim, then you are going to provoke your children to some form of anger. Consider it from the child’s perspective. One day mom says to do something five or six times before she actually gets serious, the next day she says it once and then comes in with a paddle. One meal you play with your food and dad laughs, at the next meal dad is angry with you for doing the same thing. The child is confused and is uncertain of what is expected, and children will gamble when you are inconsistent being optimistic they can get away with it. This is one of the reasons that first time obedience is so important. Children know what is expected when parents are consistent and so it is easier on both of them.

Inconsistency causes frustration which in turn leads to anger. If such inconsistency is continued long enough, even an optimistic child can become pessimistic and quit trying out of fear they will do the wrong thing no matter what they try to do. Aren’t you glad that the Lord is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8)? He is consistent so that His commands remain the same and you can trust His promises.

----- The audio cut off unexpectedly at this point -----

3) Parental Selfishness

The degree of selfishness will vary, but for these parents the world revolves around themselves and children are an intrusion. The result is that they do not take the time needed to really know their children and what is on their hearts. While this may be more common among dads since their work usually takes them away from the house and the children to begin with, it also occurs among moms. The parent may even be physically present, but their mind is somewhere else and only rarely on the children, and then only enough to keep them out of their way.

As they get older, this will develop into an anger, resentment or indifference because there was not practical demonstration the parent cared about them. The old song “Cats in the Cradle” illustrates this last point well. The son wanted to be with his dad, but dad never had the time. When the dad became old and wanted to be with his son, the son did not have the time. As the song writer put it, “My boy was just like me.” The selfish indifference had been passed to the next generation.

4) Favoritism

This is a danger for every family with multiple children. Each child is different and will need different amounts and types of attention. Add to it that you might just like the personality of one of them more than the others. If you allow yourself to favor one and are not fair to the others, you are showing both favoritism and your own selfishness. You will be the cause of increased sibling rivalry and it will result in anger and resentment.

Think about the story of Jacob and Esau. The anger and rivalry that existed between them was directly caused by their parents favoritism. Rebekah favored Jacob and Isaac favored Esau. Jacob followed his parental example and his obnoxious favoritism of Joseph caused all sorts of problems for Joseph, for Jacob himself and for his other eleven sons.

5) Excessive Expectations and Discouragement

I lumped these two together because they are so often associated with each other. This is the parent that continually demands more of their child than they are capable of and then berates them when they fail. Such parents usually fail to make allowance for childishness. This is the simple fact that the child does not yet have the skills to do certain things. It takes practice to learn to hold a cup without spilling it, to color between the lines, to be purposefully organized and tidy, to drive a car, to be responsible with money, etc.

In addition, the reality is that we are neither born with nor develop with equal ability. Every child will be different. Some will have great intellectual capacity, others will not. Some will have great physical ability and others will not. Don’t compare your children to others including siblings either way. The proper expectation and requirement is that your children do their best, whatever that may be.

If your child is advanced, there is nothing wrong with complimenting them on their achievements. However, do not brag on them about how superior they are or you will feed their pride to their detriment. As Proverbs 16:18 warns, “Pride goes before destruction, And a haughty spirit before stumbling.” You also want to make sure they are doing their best and do not fall into the trap of slacking off because they are ahead of others their age. A parent’s goal is to train their children’s character. That means that grades in academic lessons and excelling in particular skills come secondary to character development.

If your child is behind the other children in their skills, abilities, and achievements, then you still compliment them on what they are able to do while encouraging them to press on to do their best even if it is not as good as others. This allows you to train their character, which has nothing to do with how many academic lessons or skills can be mastered within a particular time frame.

Complaining or make disparaging remarks about the areas that they are lacking will discourage them. Comparing them to others, especially siblings, will foster resentment. Be very careful of put downs and sarcasm. Ephesians 4:29 is clear that we are to speak in ways that will encourage and build up, giving grace according to the need of the moment. Don’t let your parental pride become a detriment to your child through excessive expectations and discouragement.

6) Using affection to manipulate.

The final pitfall to avoid is making your affection conditional. This is an easy way to destroy a child. Remember that God loved us even when we were yet sinners. Certainly, when children disobey there is a strain in the relationship the same way there is in our relationship with God when we sin, but He still loves us and tells us so.

We need to do the same with our children. They need to know that when they have done wrong, the correction and chastening they receive is because you do love and care for them. You are not rejecting them, but only striving to train them for their own good. You are to always stand ready to forgive and reconcile with them.

Trying to manipulate the child’s behavior by making your love conditional upon it will not only distort their understanding of love, but it will bring upon them frustration and discouragement. Why? Because there will always be another area in which they fail to meet the standard. Winning love becomes achievable only in the short term and so there is never security in it. The insecurity of not feeling loved is only relieved temporarily before it returns with the next failure and its frustrations. The goal becomes unreachable resulting in discouragement.

Parents have a great responsibility. The reality is that I can see myself in nearly all of those different prohibitions. We will all fail at points and this should lead to confession of your failures and the seeking of forgiveness and reconciliation with them. This should be done as quickly as possible, but it is never too late to confess and seek God’s forgiveness and it is not too late to confess and seek their forgiveness too. That lays a foundation for either reconciliation or a closer relationship than you might have thought possible.

Prescriptions for Parents

Although our passage here in Colossians concludes with just the avoidance of the negative for parents, I want to conclude with a couple of prescriptions for parents that we find elsewhere in Scripture. Specifically, we’ll look at the conclusion of Ephesians 6:4, which says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

Paul speaks bringing up a child in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Discipline

This is discipline in sense of training. The word used here is also translated as chastening, nurture, instruction, discipline and training. There is a tendency to think of discipline, from the negative side. This would be teaching them lots of things that they are not supposed to do and then bringing on the appropriate consequences of violating them. Certainly that negative training is included, but there should be healthy amounts of positive training as well.

Instruction

This positive training is the instruction of the child in all aspects – morally and spiritually as well as about the world and society. It includes giving examples, reading, making observations, and providing opportunities for discovery. Remember that that purpose and role of a child is to be a learner. This should be formal and informal, and it should occur throughout the day in every circumstance. I think again of the Shema in Deuteronomy 6:7, “teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.” That’s all the time.

Of The Lord

It is your responsibility to teach your children about God and the principles by which they are to live. This is hard work and involves pointing out and explaining things over and over in many different situations. The goal is that they will both understand and have many examples to transfer to their own situations. Our children are to understand who the Lord is, what He has done for them and what it means to love Him.

Parents who fail to do this have failed regardless of how much time and money they have spent on their children. Too many dads think they are successful if they can purchase lots of stuff for their kids. Too many moms think they are successful if they give lots of time to their kids. However, if time and materials are not used to help your child understand God, what He has done and how to love Him, then it was all wasted.

This is no easy task. Children are a gift from God, but raising them is an awesome responsibility. There is no responsibility or privilege you will ever have that will be greater than raising your children. No parent has it all together, which is why we are to be humble and always looking to the Lord in our own life so that we can succeed by both following His instructions, and relying on His mercy and grace upon our children to bring them to maturity despite our own failings.

Commit yourself to bringing your children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord while avoiding provoking them to anger and causing them to lose heart. If you do so, your children will have a much easier time obeying and by God’s grace will become a blessing to both you and others, which is the real mark of successful parenting.